Maturity Matters

As we continue with our theme of “training to launch”,  we  need  to discuss a major issue- the maturity of the child.  Yesterday we touched on the fact that boys and girls mature at different rates, but even children of the same gender will mature at their own pace. What this means for parents is that the parameters placed around one child at a certain age may not work for the next child even if they are the same gender.   This forces us as parents, to know our children very well so we are able to determine what they can and cannot handle.  For example, one of your children may be very responsible and mature enough to handle driving  a car at the age of 16. Lets say later on one of this child’s siblings, who has now reached the age of 16, wants to start driving the car like the older brother or sister did. This child, however, has not proven that he or she can handle the great responsibility that comes along with driving a car.  We must then make a decision because now not only are they taking their life but the lives of others on the road into their hands.   This is a “launching point” that must be evaluated for each child.  If a child is not ready, then there needs to be goals placed in front of them so they can prove that they are mature enough to handle any given responsibility.  As children grow there are many areas like this one that need to be evaluated for each individual child.  There cannot be a “one size fits all” for these areas of parenting, that require certain levels of maturity to attain.

Does It Matter?

While we are preparing our children to launch, there are a few factors that we must keep in mind as parents.  Over the next two day we will be discussing areas that should cause parents to think outside the box.  In today’s culture, most parents don’t realize that it is ok to parent girls and boys differently.  They have different needs and mature on different levels, so it is ok to have a different parenting plan in place for their protection.  The world around us is a scary place for both our sons and our daughters and both genders can be easily taken advantage of.  In parenting, however, we must place extra protection around our daughters.  As we are training them to be adults in a society of adolescents, we must give them the tools for them to be able to protect themselves.  Many of these tools are in training our daughters how to place boundaries around themselves.  The blogs from April and May give more detailed information on this topic.  Remember, it is ok to place stronger parameters around  a daughter for her protection.

Allowing Your Child to Make the Decision

One of the things that may be hardest for a parent to do is allow a child to fail.   Obviously in order to protect our children there are times we need to step in.   But there are also times when we must allow them to make the decision.  For example, growing up in our house we had to clean our closet on Saturday morning.   It was our decision whether or not to keep it clean all through the week.   If we chose to keep it clean our job on Saturday was easy.  Most times, however, it was easier through the week to not keep it up.  So the Saturday job became huge.   This was one of those small choices that we were allowed to make; and many times we chose poorly.  But we were allowed to learn this lesson of time management, the hard way.

There are also many times where a child may make a good decision but it may not be the best decision.  In fact, if we as the parent get involved we can make it the best decision.  Even though this is tempting there are times we need to allow the “good decision” to be made in order for our child to learn through it.  This opens up an opportunity for communication after the fact.  We can encourage our child that they made a good decision and help them to see little things they could have “tweaked” to make it the best.

Practicing Time Away

One of the reasons for your child to have to opportunity to spend time away from the family is to practice decision making.   They need to have the experience of having to process and make decisions for themselves.   This is another reason why the week away at camp or missions trip is a great opportunity.  They are away but still in a safe environment around others who share their beliefs.

Another opportunity that is a great growing experience is an extended time with a trusted relative.   This can be done as early as late elementary school.   This allows the child to observe another family interaction as well as work on decision making.   They need to continually be given the opportunity to do the right thing even when mom and dad are not around for an extended period of time.  This becomes more and more important the older the child gets.   Being dropped off on a college campus should not be the first extended period away.   A child needs to practice and then have a parent there to debrief.  They need someone to talk about what decisions were made, good or bad, and be coached through it.

Growing Opportunities

As your child grows there are many important opportunities for them to spread their wings.  Especially when your child gets into middle school and high school the church youth group is a great place to practice.  Most churches offer opportunities for different camps and mission trips for youth.  These can be a great growing opportunity for your child.

If one of the focal points for your parenting is your child to develop their own relationship with God, these opportunities cannot be missed.   As parents, it is our job to create an atmosphere in the home that will help nourish this relationship.    Camps can be a high point but we can help our kids maintain commitments that they’ve made and process through the experience when they get home.

Mission trips can be a great teaching tool  for many reasons.   Teens can learn so much from observing others less fortunate then themselves.   It can also be a wonderful growing opportunity as they learn to selflessly serve others.

The School Years, part 2

Choosing to home school or send your children to Christian school brings up different focal points for parenting toward independence.  The homeschooled child needs to have times of interaction with other children.  There are many opportunities today for homeschoolers to learn socialization skills.  There are many home school groups that meet, for PE classes or other classes that are difficult to do individually, during the week.  It is also important to have your child involved in the children’s ministry at your church, where they can interact with kids their own age. 

A focal point that is positive for both children who are homeschooled and who go to Christian school, is making sure that children can have some supervised interaction with people in the community.  Community sports leagues or gymnastic classes are great for this.  You can be there to observe but it gives your child a great learning opportunity.   As they are around people who do not share their belief system it creates opportunities for communication.  You can take your child out for ice cream and talk to them about what they’ve experienced.   This can be a wonderful time with your child to help them process.