Separate the Relationship from the Discipline | Part 1
Apr 16
Don’t Use Your Love as a Consequence
Unless we have a plan for parenting and consequences for poor choices it is easy to use our love as a consequence. We feel unprepared to deal with behavior and that can make a parent feel frustrated and flustered. We communicate that to our children sometimes not meaning too by using a hard tone or saying something we regret later. If we take the time to prepare ahead of time we can use consequences that train and remove ourselves as the consequence.
The next thing we need to do after giving the consequence is, we need to make sure to restore relationship with our child. Go back into your child’s room and sit with them or give them a hug. Make sure you are “punishing” them with your voice tone and with body language. When the consequence is served it is done. That way it truly is about the behavior and not about them as a person. We will spend the rest of this week discussing separating the relationship from discipline.
Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.
To Spank or Not to Spank | Part 5
Apr 13
Questions About Spanking
As we end our week discussion on appropriate spanking, listen to today’s podcast for the answers to questions regarding spanking.
To Spank or Not to Spank | Part 4
Apr 12
The Purpose of Spanking
We need to keep in our minds the purpose of spanking. The purpose of spanking is not to “break the will of the child” or to “rid the child of sinful nature”. It is not reactionary. We also need to be careful that we are not taking our child’s behavior personally. Our children are not doing things to us they are just being children. That is why we need to be careful to spank for direct defiance and not for childish behavior. The verse in Proverbs is such a great reminder, “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Some translations say, the way he is bent. That is a beautiful picture for us as parents. We are not breaking the will or the spirit of the child, we are bending it to fall under authority. We still want them to be who God made them to be.
This is why our purpose for spanking is to squelch rebellious behavior or direct defiance of authority. The reason why spanking appropriately is a good form of discipline for the young child is because it is quick and restores relationship. And if we are focusing on restoring relationship immediately then it is not punitive. Using spanking appropriately is a good way to train our children that our no means no.
For more insight on the topic spanking listen to today’s podcast.
To Spank or Not to Spank | Part 3
Apr 11
Warning the Child Forces the Child To Think
Spanking should not be viewed as a punishment but as a part of the training process, the beginning of the training process in reality. This is why it cannot be a reactionary thing by the parent. We must begin the training process by giving the child a choice. We are following the ICE plan, Instruct, Consequence and Exercise. Even if it is something that is a routine behavior we must remember that we are dealing with a child who’s memories are forming. Even if they do remember last time, they need to be given the choice so it begins to connect that they have indeed chosen this consequence. The repeat behaviors are things that we as parents can tend to get the most frustrated with and react. So giving the child the instruction and reminding them of the consequence removes the immediate reaction impulse. As the child begins to grow we can even remind them by asking, “Mackenzie, do you remember what happened yesterday when you got out of your bed? That’s right you chose a spanking.” Then we reinstruct, “you are disobeying mommy right now by being out of bed. You need to get back into bed. If mommy has to come back in because you are out of bed then you are choosing a spanking.”
If the goal is training then we have to continually reinstruct the toddler to begin to connect the dots that their behavior is choosing the spanking. If we are reactionary then our emotions are dictating when we spank and we are not consistent. So not only can we harm our child but even our goal of training is not achieved. This is why it is so important that a parent is calm. Remember if you cannot be calm then do not spank!
For more insight on the topic of spanking listen to today’s podcast.
To Spank or Not to Spank | Part 2
Apr 10
If You Can’t Stay Calm Don’t Spank Your Child
We discussed yesterday how spanking can be done inappropriately and hurt the child. What does the correct use of spanking look like? Here is a story to illustrate…
A young girl is down for her nap in her “big kid bed”. Mom comes down the hall and hears the little girl playing on the floor. Mom goes into the room and says, “Mackenzie, its nap time right now, I need you to go lay down in bed. You have a few stuffed animals in your bed to keep you company but you need to stay in your bed.” A few minutes later mom goes to check and make sure she is in bed and hears her playing on the floor again. This time she instructs the girl, “Mackenzie, you are not obeying mommy. You need to stay in your bed and not get out. If mommy has to come back in then your stuffed animals are going to have to stay on your shelf for the rest of nap time.” Mom goes back down the hall and hears her daughter up again. The stuffed animals are put up on the shelf as a consequence. Mom then instructs, “ Mackenzie, you are still choosing to disobey mommy. You need to stay in your bed and not get out. If you get out again, you are choosing a spanking. “ Mom realistically prepares herself that Mackenzie will test her on this so she is not shocked to come back down the hall and find her out of bed. She says, “Honey, I am very sorry that you have chosen a spanking. You need to sit on your bed and wait for mommy.” Mom then goes to the kitchen to get the spoon, giving herself time to cool off if she needs it. She then goes back in and spanks Mackenzie. She sits and hugs her daughter for a few minutes making sure that her daughter knows that she is loved and restoring relationship so she (mom) is not the consequence.
Our take away from this story is to make sure that you are calm. In order to do this, you need to maintain realistic expectations. Your child will most likely test you to make sure that your “no means no”. They will also probably test the system for a few days to see if mom or dad is going to be consistent.
For more insight on the topic of spanking listen to today’s podcast.
To Spank or Not to Spank | Part 1
Apr 09
The Controversial Topic of Spanking
The topic of spanking is one of the most explosive and controversial discussions in parenting. People on both sides of the topic believe vehemently on this issue. Why is that? Because we have seen discipline done wrong and hurt the child.
To clarify, what spanking is not… Spanking is not abusing your child, slapping your child, beating your child, whipping your child and it is not reactionary or out of anger.
Spanking done correctly is done as a last resort. It is done when your child is in direct defiance of authority not for childish behaviors. There is also an age range where it is most effective, early toddler years. When a parent can find more creative consequences that are effective with their child then those consequences can be used. As a last resort means that a parent has told the child “no”, attempted redirection and if redirection is not successful warned the child that they are choosing a spanking if they continue to disobey. The child should be removed from the situation so that it is not reactionary by the parent and there is no audience, such as siblings.
The reason for spanking is to teach a young mind that no means no. You cannot intellectually reason with a two year old that sticking their toy in the socket is dangerous. Teaching a child early on that no means no is for their protection as well as beginning the future training process. We will spend the rest of the week discussing spanking, how it is done appropriately and when. Remember that spanking is something that is NOT reactionary, it is something that must be done calmly or not at all.
Check out what God has to say in Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 22:15, and Proverbs 29:15.
Listen to today’s podcast for more wisdom on spanking.
