Long-Distance Grand Parenting

One of the difficulties for today’s grand parent is the fact that many families are separated by distance.  Long gone are the days where family all live on the same block.  So many families are having to get creative at overcoming the barrier of distance.

Today’s technology has been a great asset for this and many grandparents are teaching themselves to be technologically savvy in order to stay in touch. Social media and email can be a great way to send pictures quickly and even communicate with older grandchildren.  Another recent addition which is a great communication tool is the use of skype/facetime.   Many grandparents/grandchildren can have face to face contact even on a daily basis through the use of these tools.

Another fun way to let your grandchildren know you care is sending letters or care packages.  Children love to receive mail and who wouldn’t love to get a package with some of grandma’s home baked goodies.  Creating a lasting bond over the distance may take a little more effort on each family members part but it is well worth it to be involved in your grandchildren’s lives.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on closing the distance gap for today’s grandparents.

Overcoming Conflicts

As a parent, many of us wonder how to engage our parents to be grand parents, or to be the grand parents they should be.  For some of us this is even more challenging because there may be some baggage from our own childhood.  If possible, and safe for your children, take the time to deal with some of the family stuff and overcome conflicts for the sake of the children.  This may mean taking the time for discussion, setting goals and even asking for grand parents involvement.

For some families who live close together this is a no brainer, but for others who are separated by distance and emotional distance this may be more difficult.  It is a relationship worth making time for and effort towards.  I Timothy 5:4 reminds us, “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. “

Take the time, and effort if need be, to make this relationship a priority and even repair relationship for the sake of the children in your home.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

The Mission of Grand Parenting

There are many topics that we have to address today that the Bible is seemingly silent about, e.g. dating, social networking, technology in general.  We obviously can take Biblical principles and apply it to all of these topics and are wise to do so.  The topic of grand parenting is not one of these topics.  The Bible has many things to say about not only the worth of the grandparent but that grand parenting in and of itself is a reward and a privilege.

It seems today to be a harder job then ever.  Either families are distanced by miles or conflict or just plain busyness.  But grand parenting is something that like many other aspects of parenting must be intentional on all family members parts, parents included.  One thing that can be helpful for a grand parent to do is to write a their own personal mission statement for what their goals are in grand parenting.  Then apply them to your own personal situation, even if it is over distance or emotional distance.  For some encouraging verses on grandparenting read Proverbs 17:6, Psalms 128:6 and Exodus 10:1-2.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of grand parenting.

Facing the Challenges of Blending Families

In any difficult circumstance one thing that needs to be avoided is a victim mentality.  It is so easy to get sucked into the poor me attitude and begin to be depressed.  First it needs to be said, that we in no way mean to down play the pain that comes with some of the circumstances in a blending family.   However, it is easy to get stuck in the trap of this attitude and not be able to move forward.

One thing to consider through difficult circumstances is that your Father knows about it.  It’s a comfort to know that He not only knows our circumstances but also has felt the same pain. When there is a rough day choose to focus on Him.

Philippians 4:6-8 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

A practical way to avoid the victim mentality is to adjust your expectations.  There is no such thing as a perfect family; every family has its mess.  If we adjust our expectations it helps us to not be disappointed by circumstances.  The reality is, that there may be tension with the “Ex.” We also need to remember that children are children and they do not handle things the way adults should.  So many times we place unrealistic expectations on our children and are hurt when they don’t come to fruition.  It is especially important to give children of blending families room for adjustment and even allow them to grieve.  We cannot take the behavior personally.

On difficult days remind yourself, “My Father knows about this!”

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on blending families.

The “Ex”

One of the most difficult things for a blending family to deal with is the “Ex”.  When parents are trying to maintain consistency it can be very frustrating for children to live in two different places.  Even in the best of circumstances house rules will probably not be the same or consequences handled the same way.  When the other home does not share your beliefs or values it can become even more difficult.  One thing we must keep in mind is our priority must be our children, not winning a battle against our “Ex”.  It is very damaging for us to bad mouth the other parent because it places our children in the middle.  We must be very careful to guard our words when our children tell us what went on during their time away.

Our focus must be to maintain consistency in our home.  We cannot control what will go on in the other home but that doesn’t mean we just throw in the towel.  We must choose to place our focus and attention to what goes on in our home.  When we allow ourselves to constantly get irritated and upset at circumstances then we are not able to give our children our full attention.  We must choose to be prayer warriors when our children are in the other home.

Consistently give your children to God.  Remember that He loves and cares for them even more then you do!

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on blending families.

Helping the Blending Family

Choosing to do family well is a high calling and our main ministry.  For those who have been called into a blending family have an amazing ministry opportunity.  Many may be reading and listening this week, wondering what they can do to support those who are in a blending family.

The first type of family who is in need of lots of love and support is the single parent home.  There are many things we can do to show support.  We can take the kids out for and evening so mom or dad can have a few minutes to himself or herself just to breathe.  We can take a meal over so there is one less thing to think about.  Especially this time of year we can invite them to be a part of our families festivities. Holidays can be an especially hard time for a single parent family.

Most importantly we can support by spending time in prayer.  Both blending and single parent families can use our prayer support and encouragement.  For the parent of the blending family you can be a listening ear if they need to talk.  For any parent there are days of discouragement.  We need to be there for other parents, praying and encouraging one another through the hard days.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on helping the blending family.

What’s Your Priority?

If the success of a blending family, or any family for that matter, rides on the marriage we have to consistently check our priorities.  Our priorities need to be God first, spouse second and children third.  We also need to evaluate how we are living these priorities out.

One thing we can do is to communicate that our marriage is a priority to our children.  A way to do this is present a united team.  Because of the nature of blending two families together both parents will probably have different ways of doing things.  It is essential to set aside time for parental staff meetings where there is a safe place for disagreements.  Because it is so imperative for children of blending families to see the two parents working as a team, these staff meetings may need to take place daily.

Another way to communicate that the marriage is a priority to the children is verbally.  Children often will act out as a result of their pain. This is called signal behavior.   In a blending family often that pain is taken out on the stepparent.  It is important for children to see their mother or father back the stepparent.  This communicates the importance of the marriage relationship.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on Blending Families.

Choosing To Trust Your Spouse

As we begin to head into the Christmas season with all the family dynamics that come along with the holiday, we are going to spend this week talking about blending families.  By blending families we mean a birth parent and that parent’s spouse or a stepparent.   We choose to use the phrase blending family because blending a family together is an action.  It is something that takes consistent effort and communication.  It is not simply a state of being.

There is something that can dramatically affect the success of the blending family and that is the marriage relationship.  The husband and wife of a blending family are not only trying to meld two people together into one unit they are having to work to blend two unique families into one unit.  This means that extra time, care and communication will have to be put into that marriage relationship.   It has to be a relationship that is based on trust because not only are you entrusting your well being to this other person but you are now placing your children’s well being in their hands as well.  Make sure that there is ample time set aside for communication about parenting issues to make certain that you are on the same page.  Making sure that you are out in front of the parenting decisions and are united as a team on these decision will help to breed an atmosphere of trust.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on Blending Families.

Dealing With The “Yeast” of Fear

Many of us, especially in this time of uncertainty in society, allow ourselves to live in fear.  We fear the economic state, the state of our country, and sadly for many even the fear of losing their homes.  But the single parent can have many other very real fears to deal with, such as the fear losing the custody, the love, the affection of the child. We all have to get to a point where we are not allowing ourselves to be run by fear, especially the single parent.  The problem is some of the children’s comments that are made, sometimes simply out of anger, can feed those fears. They will use comments like: “I hate being here. I want to go to dad’s… etc…”  When we allow these comments affect us, we’re giving them power and allowing them to intimidate you and make choices that are not good for themselves.
Do the right thing… no matter what happens in the other house.
Take a courageous close look your motives for the choices you make. Is it really in the best of the kids, or is it out of emotions of fear?
Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” A good reminder for all of us to focus on!

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Dealing With the “Yeast” of Competition

Another important issue to discuss is how to deal with the competitive feelings if the other parent is in the picture.  It is only natural to want to be the one that is the “best parent” in the children’s eyes as well as those around you.  But allowing those feelings to take root and impact the way you do things is unhealthy. One way to fight this is to know WHO you are and be confident enough, not jealous, to love your kids and be FOR them no matter what they get or experience in the other house. Don’t put the children in a position of having to choose what house they prefer.
Be mature enough to be excited for the kids – even if it’s to the advantage of the ex. They need to feel safe enough to express anything to you without you using what they share to degrade the other parent.
Don’t compete for the love, like, attention or custody of the kids.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Dealing With The “Yeast” of Anger

For any parent it is important to know how to manage your anger.  The reason for this is if we allow our anger to get out of control we react to our children in a way that we would not intend to.  We can get to a point where if not dealt with we can even take out our anger on our children.  It is extremely important in a single parent home that anger is managed because there isn’t another adult in the home to be accountable to in this area.

The first thing that we need to do in dealing with anger is know what your “anger triggers” are.  Who or what are the things that push your buttons and cause you to become angry?  Secondly what happens when you become angry or how do you normally act/react when you feel angry?  It is important to know both of these things because you will have to put a plan in place to work on any anger issues.

James 1:19-20 can serve as a great reminder to us, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Dealing With The “Yeast” of Guilt

We have discussed taking back your mindset,  today we are going to discuss taking back your parenting.  This means that we need to deal with the guilt of the situation. Many times in a single parent home two things can happen, because of guilt the children are dictating a parenting plan or the exhaustion of a parent is dictating a parenting plan.  When this happens it only adds to the frustration and confusion of all because there is no consistency.  Find a plan, a simple plan, and stick with it.  Don’t’ allow yourself to come in exhausted from a day and give in because you just “don’t feel like dealing with it”.  This will only lead to greater problems in the future.  A great series to check out to help with this is called “The Power of No”, click here to check it out.

Remember why you are doing what you are doing.  Long term goal is not to be your children’s friend but to be their parent, their trainer.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Getting The Right Mindset- Part 2

We can all get caught up in the “tyranny of the urgent” lifestyle but that is not conducive for meeting long -term goals.  Because the focus needs to be on long-term goals two questions must be asked.  What are the goals for the family/parenting? What are things that can derail the goals in my life?

Secondly we need to focus on the hope that is there for us.  We have mentioned before that we are not in this alone.  God is the one who is orchestrating our lives if we allow Him to.  That in and of itself should bring great comfort.  It is also a great reminder that some of the worlds top leaders from the early 1900s, and many today,  had something in common, they were raised by single mothers.

Take the time to sit down and cast vision for yourself and your family.  Then break it down into long term and short term goals.  When you can take a step back and focus on the big picture it helps us in the day to day.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Getting the Right Mindset

Finally this week we are going to discuss one more choice that needs to be made.  Decide what makes a family and do it.  First is, allowing children to be children.  This may mean setting up some boundaries.  Remind yourself that you are the parent and not their friend.  This may mean that they are not your confidant.  Make sure that you find a friend or prayer partner that you can confide in.  When you place this role on your children, usually the oldest, you put to much on their shoulders.  They need to be allowed to have a childhood.

Secondly when we think of family we think of traditions.  Take the time to have traditions in your home.  Holiday traditions are important but even weekly or monthly traditions can help create the family atmosphere.   Something like a fun breakfast on Saturday or once a month service project are memories that your children will have as they grow up.

Finally remind yourself Whose children they really are anyway.   It is such an amazing thing that God chooses to entrust us with these little lives.  Encourage yourself with the knowledge that you were chosen as the parent of your children.  God doesn’t make mistakes!

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Dealing with the Viruses that Destroy Your Plan

An additional important step is making the choice to take control over your emotions.  In order to do that we must look at what can be some emotional roadblocks or “viruses” that prevent progress.  Four of these are guilt, anger, competition, and fear.  We also need to be very careful who we give the remote control of our emotions to.  Lots of times well-meaning relatives or friends can hinder us emotionally.  Even interactions with the Ex can cause a downward spiral emotionally.  God tells us in scripture to “take captive every thought”. This means that we do not allow destructive thoughts/ emotions to take root.  Do not dwell on those things.  As we talked about yesterday, we need to focus on the One who will get us through.  He reminds us that He cares for the birds of the air and the lilies of the fields and how much more does He love us?  Make the choice to not allow yourself to dwell on those destructive emotions.  Choose to take them captive!

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Installing the Parenting Plan

If first comes taking back the right way of thinking, or taking back your mindset and reminding yourself you are not alone, then secondly comes taking back your emotions.  Third would be taking back your home.  This means it is not about the state of the house.  Remind yourself that it’s condition is not an appraisal of your self-esteem.  Our home is not things its family.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the amount of things to do especially when there are so many irons in the fire of trying to do things like work, parent, manage finances, and maintain some sense of order.  Again this all starts with a choice. First the choice is that family is the priority not just maintain order in the chaos.  With that being said one way to help have more family time is to avoid the “tyranny of the urgent” and find a plan that works for your home.  We have mentioned many times before that children of all ages can be taught, and should be taught, to do chores.  This takes some of the load off of the single parent.  If each family member is in charge of their own space as well as at least one additional area it helps to even out the load.  Each single parent family will look different in this because of the ages of the children.  There is not cookie cutter solution to a plan to get your family organized but take the time to find one to work for you.  Simple things such as scheduling, meal planning, and chores are easy things to help fight that over whelmed and out of control feeling and begin to bring order to your home and family.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Working On The Right Relationships

It is very easy for all of us to incorrectly define success.  We focus too much on having the big house or nice car.  In parenting we focus on our children being popular, getting the best grades, or being the best at sports.  For the single parent this may be an even greater challenge.  It may be a temptation to prove to others, or even yourself, that you are “ok” by attempting to live up to these standards of success.  That you are successful through your possessions or your parenting is successful because your children are the best in their area of talent.

The problem is that isn’t a good measure of success.  The Bible places its highest priorities on relationships.  Jesus tells us that all the commands can be summed up with “loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength. And loving your neighbor as yourself.”  That is the yardstick with which we measure success.  Take the time to process through how you are measuring success in your life and parenting.  Make sure that you are making the relationships in your life the priority!
Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Where Are You Getting Your Hope From?

This week’s topic is another that we all can gain wisdom about, because either we ourselves are going through the situation or there will be friends or family members who may.  This week’s topic is single parenting.

The single parent journey must begin (or from this point forward) by thinking through long term priorities and goals.  Whether the single parent journey is a result of divorce, abandonment, death or because the parent chose to not get married, there is often the overwhelming sense of aloneness.  Being alone in the ominous job of single parenting can cause the parent to think short term and often out of desperation.

The choice of mindset, and this sounds so cliché, is the focus needs to be that we are not alone.   God made us several promises, “I will never leave you or forsakes you” and “Greater is He who is in me then He who is in the world,”  He also promises to be a Father to the fatherless.  Even though there are times where we feel alone or lonely we must not allow ourselves to get overwhelmed by those emotions and focus on the One who will get us through.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic

Making Kids The Priority and Resources

We mentioned yesterday how as parents our children must be our priority.  Today we are just going to ask some questions to process in order to keep our children a priority as well as some resources if you need more information/support on the topic of divorce.

The questions are… Have I dealt with my baggage?

Am I am careful what I am saying around and to my children?

Am I going slow through this process and not expecting a quick fix?

Is this really what God wants me /us to do?

What will I be glad I did years from now?

Here are some resources for more information

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, By Jydith Wallerstein

Helping The Child With Divorce, by Neal Buchanan and Eugene Chamberlain

Divorce And The Children, by H.S. Vigeveno and Anne Claire

Growing Up Divorced, by Linda Bird Francke

Divorce Care, by Steve Grissom and Kathy Leonard

The Divorce Decision, by Gary Richmond

As always listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Weird Dynamics and Startling Statistics

Marriage teaches us many things such as what commitment its, what love looks like, and how to sacrifice for others.  When a divorce takes place it undermines the teaching of these traits. This happens especially if there are weird parent dynamics after the divorce.  This period of adjustment is very strange and painful for all involved.  We put our children in an even worse position if we begin to react immaturely to the situation.  This especially needs to be a time where the children’s needs are placed above the needs of the parent.  It is very easy for parents to take an “I deserve” attitude because of what they have been through, but we must be very careful to guard our children from any venom spewed toward the other parent.  We must keep in mind all of the adjustment our child is going through.  Not having both parents around all the time, or visiting and seeing a parent at another house.   Even as time goes on and dating happens, we must choose to keep our children on the forefront of our brain.  Choose to see all changes through their eyes and resist the temptation to put our needs first, even though there is our own pain to work through.

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight and statistics on the topic of divorce.