T-Minus 2 “Relationship Management”

In the previous months we have discussed the topic of dating in great detail.  As we look at our final checklist for launching our children into adulthood this area needs to be addressed again.  There are several issues with dating that can come up for the college student if they have not been trained how to process through them before hand.

We need to help our kids learn how to properly balance relationships.   Some teens really struggle with the concept that relationships are only one aspect of their lives.   When they become all consumed by a relationship the other areas of their lives begin to suffer.  If teens do not learn how to balance relationships  there can be drastic consequences as adults.

A second area that we need to help our kids with before they leave our home is knowing boundaries with the opposite sex.  Again like we have talked about in great detail in past months, the consequences for casual sex in today’s culture can be devastating.   Because of this we need to spend lots of time with our kids on this area so that by the time they leave our house they are well prepared.

Sticking to the Plan

Yesterday we discussed the importance keeping the lines of communication with your teen open.  One of the things to discuss with your teen is the importance of sticking to a plan.   There needs to be a plan in place for who to date, as well as, what to do on a date.

In talking with many teens today it is surprising that many will “go out” with almost anyone who asks.  This is why it is important to have that previously discussed “spouse list”.  A teen can then easily see who fits their criteria.  It is very important to have standards as to who is datable.  Sadly one of those standards is for the basic reason of safety.  Girls especially need to be very careful who they choose to go out with.  The date rape statistics on college campuses is staggering.  We need to be training our teens about safety on dates beginning with who they choose to go out with.

Then regardless of how safe the potential date appears to be on paper, sticking to a plan on a date is something that will help with safety.  Teens need to go into a date with a plan of what will happen.  This is where our four important questions, who, what, where and when, come into play.  Girls need to be asking these questions to the guys they go out with. They also need to have an “escape plan” if the date begins to change.  This is where we as parents need to be a safety net for our teens.  We need to be available for picking them up, even late at night, if the plan changes and they need to come home.  We need to constantly communicate that we are there for them through this process.  WE also need to affirm the fact that our teens a far too special not to be asking the “Who, What, Where and When Questions.” We can communicate, “Honey, if someone invited me to spend an evening socially with them, these are the questions even I would ask.”

Creating Open Communication…On Dating

We have mentioned it many times before … communication is an important key to training.  In order for you to be a safe place for your kids to come for accountability, there must be constant communication about the topic of dating.  Many parents are scared to discuss their teen’s relationships because everything looks so different today.  Many parents may also have a hard time getting their teen to open up about this topic.  Especially if you are trying to create this open atmosphere late in the game, it may be difficult.  We must consistently pursue our kids.  This is where the concept of “dating” our children is very helpful.  Going out to eat, coffee, or somewhere that is not your house may help to open the doors of communication in a neutral environment.  One parent with one child…. like on a date.  Setting this time up with your child weekly will help build the communication routine.  If it’s not on the calendar it won’t happen.  Make sure that you don’t go into these times with an “agenda.”  This is a time just to be with and talk to your child. Communication about what is going on will come out with time.  You can’t force it.

Dating By Example

There are many ways parents can lead by example.  Oddly the issue of dating is one of those.  For those parents that are married we can set an example in our own relationships.  Our relationship with our spouse should be something that our children want to copy.  Whether we realize it or not there are always eyes watching how we treat each other.  Ask yourself, “Is our marriage something that would make our children want to be married?”

For those who are single parents, you have an amazing opportunity to lead by example in a difficult area. If you do date, are you doing it the way you want your children to date?  In a way that would honor God? It is an awesome opportunity to open the doors of communication as you journey through this stage with your kids.  This is one of the few areas you can help to hold each other accountable.

Importance of a Curfew

Many people have jokingly said that nothing good can happen at such and such an hour of the morning.  Ironically, in many cases that statement is very true.  That is why it is so important to give your child a curfew.  By giving this curfew you set up a boundary, set your child up for accountability and communicate that your child still reports to you even in this area.

It is amazing how many parents either do not give their child a curfew or an unbelievably late curfew.  We need to remember that we are to set our child up for success and not failure.

Start small. Give an early curfew in the beginning so that as your child is successful at meeting the curfew you can make it later.  Also keep in mind that the state has given most teenage drivers a curfew already.

Another benefit for a curfew is that you can wait up to meet your child.  You must be able to do this to help hold your child accountable. This is also a great time to open the doors of communication.  As they are coming off the emotion of the date you can be there to debrief them.  This can really help to set you up as the go to person when they need help or have questions in their relationships.